Today, I am having trouble concentrating on school work. Today, I am having trouble dwelling in my own problems. Today, for some amazing, beautiful reason, I can’t get Jesus out of my head.
I’ve asked for this many times. God, please shut my mind up so my heart can hear you. God, please quiet my brain so I can hear your word. I want to let you in.
Last night was one of those nights where I just didn’t stop thinking. I tried praying, but got sidetracked so many times. I’ve been working hard on my prayer life, trying to get better at focusing on loving Jesus instead of telling him all of my problems that he already knows about. I called to mind a prayer idea I got from Fr. Joshua Johnson’s book, Pocket Guide to Adoration.
“I began to tell Jesus how much I loved him. I reminded him of our story, how I fell in love with him. Even though he already knew, I was aware that recalling our history would be a gift for both of us.”Fr. Joshua Johnson – A Pocket Guide to Adoration, pg. 39-40
You know how it feels to reminisce with your significant other about the day you both met, or dates you went on, or the moment you discovered you had fallen in love with them? I tried this last night (or past midnight, when I stopped trying to turn off my brain). I started with my Baptism, my first Reconciliation, my years spent in Catechism, going to Bible studies, going to youth retreats, my first experiences with Eucharistic Adoration, my Confirmation, and my many, many returns to His love and mercy throughout my life. And today, for some reason, I can’t stop thinking about my relationship with Christ.
I’ve been waiting for a month, considering there’s a pandemic going on, for a book to come in. It’s called Jesus Speaking: Heart to Heart with the King by Gabrielle Bossis. I ordered this devotional on Amazon a while back, after it was recommended during a retreat, in hopes that it would help me in my prayer life.
I was excited to discover it arrived in my mailbox today, a few days earlier than it was supposed to come in. Jesus is always a few steps ahead of us, right? I’ve tried to focus on my classwork all morning, but I kept being pulled away to the sound of my praise and worship music in the background, to different artwork ideas floating through my mind. Imagine my joy when I realized Jesus was simply waiting for me to take him out of my mailbox.
I know it might not be this way tomorrow, but today, I feel Jesus calling me. I felt him calling me before I ran to the mailbox in excitement about my new reading material. I felt him calling me when I woke up today. I feel him calling me to bask in his love today in the midst of this strange life we’re all living right now.
My first devotional words in my new book were as follows:
“Trust in the Lord, and do good (Ps 37:3).
Hunt for Me everywhere. I’ll let Myself be captured with such joy. How could you expect to find Me if you didn’t search? And when you have found Me, give Me to others. There are people I’m waiting to reach only through you. This is the mission foreseen for you from all eternity.
Decide right now to accept this mission.”Gabrielle Bossis – Jesus Speaking: Heart to Heart with the King, pg. 121.
I closed my eyes and I prayed about this mission. So far this year, my proposal to Jesus has been to make me a vessel for him, to use me to speak to others and to show his love to others. Today, I found him patiently waiting for me in my mailbox. In my own excitement, I did not think of how much joy he was feeling in my love and eagerness for his word. In my prayer of thanksgiving and my readiness to accept his mission, I asked Jesus to send me to these people he was waiting to reach. I asked him how he would like me to speak to these people.
I heard one word, one word that’s been at the back of my mind for a while now, because it’s one thing I miss doing very much. I heard the word, “write.”
So here I am, writing this to you. Hunt for Jesus everywhere. In these words. In the wind blowing through the trees. In the goodness and generosity of people in this crazy world we live in. In your mailbox. In Scripture. In your church. In your heart. Remind him how much you love him, and in turn, you will be reminded of how much you love him, and more importantly, how much he loves you.
“Trust in the Lord, and do good, that you may dwell in the land and live secure. Find your delight in the Lord who will give you your heart’s desire. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act. And make your righteousness shine like the dawn, your justice like noonday.”Psalm 37: 1-6
Today, my heart’s desire is Jesus. I wish that I could say I make him my number one desire everyday, but I don’t. From now on, when I feel him calling me, I will lean into his word and try my hardest to discern his will. I will let him act through me. He never asks for much from us. Today, he asked me to write. What is he asking from you today?